I'm Still Pregnant

I feel the need to inform all of you that I am still pregnant.  And I am shocked.  I have just nine days left until my official due date of January 6 and have had no obvious signs of labor.  I remember being nine weeks pregnant, having just nine weeks left to go, but never did I think I would have just nine days left until my due date.  Not with everyone saying "If you go early with your first, you usually go even earlier with your second." 

I'd like to just express here my sympathy for women who pass their due dates.  I am a firm believer in holding out as long as possible before being medically induced, but I can finally see the appeal in accelerating the conclusion of your pregnancy. 

Sleeping is nearly impossible, really.  I am used to the frequent pee breaks during the middle of the night, but sleeping on my side is just becoming unbearable.  I mean, I have to have at least 15 pounds hanging to one side twisting my back throughout the night.  And then whenever I stand up I can feel my innards rearranging. 

Sleeping isn't the worst part for me, though.  For some reason the baby's head or arms tend to hit strange nerve endings.  I have a hard time even going out in public anymore, because I will spontaneously and instinctively have the urge to grab my crotch.  The action isn't at all nonchalant like a guy readjusting his balls, but really quite exaggerated.  It literally feels like my vagina is going to fall off!  I also have a weird nerve that shoots down my left butt cheek.  It causes me to arch my back and grab my butt.  I can't anticipate it, and I can't stop it.

I have an appointment with my midwife tomorrow.  I think I'll have her check me to see if I'm making any progress.  I seriously feel like I must already be at least 4 centimeters dilated.  I feel as though I can actually feel the dilation occurring, but have had nothing but Braxton Hicks contractions. 

At my appointment last week I had only gained a half of a pound.  I didn't have her check me, because I had Chloe at the appointment, and Paul worked late so he wasn't there to wrangle in my little Chloesaurus.  I can't think of a more vulnerable position, naked on your back with your feet in stirrups, to be stuck in while also being responsible for a two year old. 

I can't remember the last time I have been more pissed off at Paul.  Missing that damn appointment.  I managed to haul my 27 pound kicking toddler into the building after waking her from her nap early.  We were ten minutes late.  I managed to change her diaper in the exam room.  I managed to occupy her with M&M's and Angry Birds while my midwife did her standard check up, but what I couldn't manage is the urine sample. 

Giving a urine sample at 7+ months is really just laughable.  They should really provide a large mixing bowl, but instead provide the tiniest cup ever invented.  I always want to write a note on the cup that says "Just so you know, I pissed all over the outside of your stupid tiny cup, but really, what did you expect."  It is just a matter of sending up a prayer and hoping for the best.  Well this time I actually managed to pee IN the cup.  I was feeling so proud of myself when all of a sudden Chloe decided to be deathly afraid of the giant toilet over which I was hovering.  She started freaking out screaming "POOOOP, POOOOOP," hit my arm, and dumped the pee all over my leg and the floor.  Then she threw her sucker into the pee and chucked my iPhone across the room.  She attempted to salvage the sucker, but I just started screaming.  It scared her enough that she stepped back and started bawling.  I somehow managed to clean myself up and used some disinfectant to clean the floor.  The fact that cleaner was readily available made me think this scenario had played out before. 

Anyway, the moral of the story is that when I finally got my husband on the phone he didn't hear the end of it for about fifteen minutes straight.  I didn't even stop to take a breath.  Because, your day was bad?  Really?  Did you spill your piss down your leg today.  Did you?  DID YOU?!?!?

So I'll let you know how my appointment goes tomorrow.  Paul has sworn to me that he will be present at the exam.  Lucky for him.  I think he used up one of his nine lives last week.