Are You Gonna Eat That?

I have always been a fast eater.  I mean, I can really take it to the face.  Growing up I had no qualms about being a fast eater.  I was basically raised alongside six boys, and, in most cases, it was every man for himself.  It wasn't until high school that I started thinking twice about my eating habits.  Apparently, there is a whole list commonly known rules about eating in public, and a whole list of unwritten rules about eating amongst a group of all girls. 

Like, one rule when eating with all girls is that if you order a sandwich you must immediately cut said sandwich in half, and then proceed to eat only ONE half of the sandwich.  It can be the larger half, sure, but it can only be one half.  Then, and this still gets me, to my horror you must then throw the other half of your eight dollar sandwich away!!  Needless to say, I was the only high school girl carting around a Styrofoam box through Abercrombie & Fitch.  And do you know what I did to the other half of that sandwich within two seconds of climbing into my car alone?  KILLED IT! 

Where I am going with this is that I have been working on suppressing my insatiable desire to inhale my food at first sight for about ten years now.  The problem is that, once you have a baby, you have to eat as quickly as possible, whenever possible.  If you have to eat your morning toast while sitting on the toilet, then you have to eat your morning toast while sitting on the toilet.  No, I will neither confirm nor deny as to whether that is a real life example.  The point is, you only have to invite an old habit back just once and it's back, baby.

So both Paul and I have been inhaling our food now for, oh, about 11.5 months now, and it has become so natural to me that I'm taken off guard when someone else notices.  A few months ago we were out to dinner and Chloe was sleeping in her car seat.  The bus boy dropped off our food, and before the waitress could come see if we needed any ketchup both of us had cleared our plates.  I'm not even kidding.  She looked at us and said "well, you are certainly parents now."  Excuse me?  Oh, she must have noticed that I have eyeliner on only one eyelid, or that I have two different flip flops on my feet (one black with a flower and one brown leather - not even close - seriously, that happened)... oooooh you mean how I tore into my steak like a cavewoman?  That.

Then the other day I was leaving for work and had four bags in my arms, a toddler, a handful of chocolate covered raisins, and the keys to lock the door when I realized I was faced with an epic decision.  Do I stand in the cold of my mudroom and eat my chocolate covered raisins one by one?  Do I put the raisins in my pocket and save them for later?  Do I put them down?  No, I'm kidding, putting them down was never an option.  Instinctively, I tossed back a heaping handful of chocolate covered raisins.  I stored them in my cheek and thanked God for all those years of softball, because I proceeded to eat them like a handful of sunflower seeds, moving them over one by one with my tongue and chewing them individually in all of their delicious splendor.  When I got to the car I caught a glimpse of my fat cheek in my rear view mirror, and I had a flashback to all of the food that is not meant to be eaten like a handful of sunflower seeds, yet I have proceeded to treat as such like popcorn, all forms of candy, nuts, grapes... anything that comes in multiples and is smaller than a quarter, really.  It is really quite disgusting, but I just can't help myself.

Maybe all parents eat like that.  Maybe I have just earned my Bachelors of Parenting Survival Science.  Maybe one of you is reading this right now and has just realized you have been squirreling around the house with a handful of almonds in your cheek! Hey, a girl can only hope!