Working Mama

I guess I should clarify a little about the term "mean mommy."  The term has gotten me in trouble before.  Luckily, I have only encountered the mean mommy a few times.  She wasn't a friend or family member, so if you are reading this I'm not talking about you.  In my experience you meet this fine specimen at a baby shower or bachelorette party or some other gathering involving a large group of women you don't really know. 

I should say that I realize that the examples I cited of things a mean mommy might say are not exactly offensive in casual conversation.  But if, for example, I have just said "I have been struggling lately being a working mother.  My job is so demanding, and then I come home to a pile of laundry and a messy house.  The last thing I want to do is ignore my baby and clean when I get so few hours with her.  I feel like I'm missing out on everything lately, and it feels terrible to pay another woman to raise my child," there are only a few ways to respond.  One is to just nod your head with an understanding "mmmhmm."  Another is to say, "I have been feeling that way, too.  Have you tried..." Or, "I don't know what you are going through since I stay home with my kids, but if it makes you feel any better, it is hard for me, too." Okay, what you don't say is "Oh, well I say home with my kids and I just loooove it.  And one day a week I drop them off with my mother so that I can have some me time."  It's just ill timed. I mean, you can say that if you want to be a huge bitch and you want me to write about you on my blog, but this mothering business is hard, and we need to stick together. 

I have never written on here about how it feels to be a working mother, and I'm not sure if I will ever be able to put it into words.  It is so complex, and it is a constant struggle to find the balance between work and life.  It doesn't matter how much our family chips away at the mold of the traditional family by having a working mother who handles the bills and the investments, because at the end of the day I'm still the mommy and the wife.  I still care for the home and for the child.  Every minute that I spend working, cleaning the house, getting my hair did, paying bills... posting on my blog, is a minute I'm not spending with Chloe.  And the guilt associated with that fact is monumental.

Someday when Chloe is a grown woman, my hope is that she appreciates my decision to continue to support our family financially.  At the same time, I hope she understands how hard it was for me to drop her off at daycare every morning, and how many times I have cried in the car on my way to work. I hope she knows that my heart still has a scar from that time she chose Melissa over me, and how many hours I have spent in prayer seeking comfort in my decision.  I hope the social skills Chloe gains from interacting with her daycare "siblings" overshadow her bouts with Roseola, pink eye, and Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease.  I hope that Chloe remembers squealing and running to the door to greet her Grammy every Thursday.  I hope she has fond memories of playing with her Grammy, like I have with mine.

I guess what I hope most for Chloe is that if she decides to become a mother someday she knows that it is just as okay to stay home with her kids as it is to continue to pursue her professional goals.  Maybe it is possible to somehow do both.  I say this now not being 100% convinced that continuing to work is even a fraction as healthy as staying home.  I just hope that it is.

And if she decides to stay home with her kids I hope she reads my old blog posts and realizes that whether you are a working mother or a stay at home mother, both options are difficult, both options are rewarding.  What is important is that you commit yourself fully in the time you are given to spend with your child.  In fact, since the day I have become a mother I have become so pro-Chloe that the concept of "me" is pretty much a chapter in history.  Most days Old Cassie wouldn't recognize Mom Cassie in brown flats and a black purse.  And OMG, has it been, like, three months since she last got highlights? 

For now I take comfort in my decision.  Between my Mom and Melissa, God has placed into my hands the best alternatives to my staying home.  I'm trusting what seems like the perfect plan - one whose hardships keep me constantly seeking the Lord.

What's Chloe Been Up To?

Oddly enough, Chloe's current interests coincide with Griffin's.  One of their favorite things to do together is watch birds, squirrels, cars, and people from the enclosed porch window.  Chloe stands on this safe, secure rocking chair, and Griffin stands beside her.  Chloe flaps her "wings" whenever she sees a bird, and Griffin just goes batshit crazy.



If you are wondering how I get that bitchin' ponytail in Chloe's hair every morning I usually trick her just like this.  "Chloe, do you see any birds?  Do you see any cars?" And then I hurdle Griffin and chase Chloe to her perch with a comb and rubber band in hand.   

Chloe loves playing with Fisher, our next door neighbor.  I have this one really cute picture of the both of them smiling at the camera, but Fisher has a crossed eye in it for some reason, and I didn't want to post a funny picture of his sweet face on here.  I posted this one instead, because it shows off Chloe's cute little muscular frame.  I wish I could pull off the spandex look!  What you don't see here is the sweat rolling off my face as I chased Chloe around Festival as she jammed those itsy bitsy rocks into her mouth. I can't get this kid to eat a macaroni, but rocks? Sand? Griffin's ears? Coins?  These are luxuries.



 Chloe's ultimate favorite thing to do is play with Griffin.  I say "play," but this mostly involves Chloe kissing, hugging, choking, biting, and just generally mauling Griffin to death.  And clearly, from this picture here, he loves it.

Griffin is such a good dog.  I can't say it enough.  He should win an award.  Every now and then I will catch him actually playing back with her.  All he does is let her chase him around the kitchen table, but he waits for her to catch up and then he runs away, waits for her, runs away.  It's cute. 

 If this doesn't make your heart melt well... then you must be a cat person.

Here are some pictures of Chloe at the beach.  It was going to be 90+ degrees at home that day so we gathered up some friends and headed to the beach, where it was a balmy 60 degrees with high wind.  It was freezing and sandy and miserable for the first few hours.  Chloe ate a lot of sand and cried when we put her in the water.  I'm not convinced that she is quite ready for the beach yet.



 And here is a picture of my sad baby.  We had to bring Chloe to the ER last weekend.  She had a fever of over 104 degrees.  She was miserable.  Here Paul is tying Chloe into her gown.  This is right before he tied her hair into the gown and she got so upset that she threw up.  She was already pretty upset from being probed in the tush while the nurse took her temperature.  It turns out she had a case of Herpangina (insert mature joke here), which goes by the equally appalling name of Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease.  It is a virus that is going around town these days, and the doctor had already diagnosed three cases that morning.  I'm happy to report that Chloe is feeling better now after several doses of Motrin and Tylenol.